August 7th, 2002

Allah Sulu-South Park

In The Beginning, Here Is Me. It Is Good.

Geetings. I am Allah Sulu, a new god above humankind, the fusion of multiple Eastern and Western spiritualities. No need to bow. Just throw money. I attained my godhood by a process known as Carpe Deity, and have already assembled hordes of followers who worship my divinity:

Haydn Sikhs are my reclusive monastic followers, who bring me knowledge, humor, and Doritos.

Jew Jitsus are my warriors, who take what is not mine, so that it may become mine, and this is good.

Second To Nuns are my loyal and exquisite priestesses. They are my harem, and my harem always has openings available.

I'm still new to this omnipotence thing, so I'm working on mastering it one miracle at a time. Water into beer was the first one I managed, natch.

Allah Sulu-South Park

No Relation

I'd just like to point out that I am not at all related to that "other" Allah. When you think of Allah Sulu, you should be filled with the desire to love your fellow man, and lay your fellow woman. And to send 10% of your income to me. Hell, that's a racket I like.
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Allah Sulu-South Park

Doctrine 101

This will probably be my last proclamation for the day. Nobody likes a wordy god.

If my followers want 72 virgins, they can find them themselves, in this life. I have better things to do than to prepare all of those virgins for them in my heavenly abode (the virgins there belong to me) -- and I certainly wouldn't waste perfectly good virgins on a bunch of unwashed psychos. If I want to get bombed, I grab a bottle of Absolut.

I'd also like to point out that I make no claims to being the One, True, Sole, Original God -- I'm merely one of a vast Pantheon. So if you don't like anything I do or say, feel free to find another god that suits you more.

However, here is your chance to share your opinions with a god, and maybe even influence him... I'm trying to choose a more appropriate Graven Image to use as my avatar -- any suggestions? The masturbate/kitten one is cute, but it's not me. I'm more likely to preach something like every time you kill a kitten, God masturbates. I won't tell you which god, though; we need to have some secrets from you mortals.