October 14th, 2002

Allah Sulu-South Park

Safety Tips From Uncle Allah

I understand that many mortals are currently living in fear of the sniper haunting the greater Washington DC area. Well, what sort of god would I be if I didn't offer comfort and assistance to my flock? Keep in mind that the authorities believe that the sniper is looking through a scope; this means that he's deadly accurate against stationary targets, but will have a great deal of trouble acquiring and maintaining his aim on a moving target that bobs in and out of his narrow view through the scope. Hence, my advice to all of you: Get drunk. Very drunk. If you can't maintain a steady pace along a single vector of travel, odds are the would-be sniper will give up on you in frustration and seek another victim. "Sorry, officer; I could walk a straight line if I wanted to, really, but I'm trying to stay safe from the sniper. Self defense and all. Ummm, I just vomited on your shoes in self-defense as well..."

I've also seen many of you worrying about this Ashcroft fellow, and your constitutional rights being violated in the name of national security -- once you raise his suspicions, you'll find yourself locked up indefinitely without a lawyer or trial. Again, I have the answer. Get good and drunk. Carry some vodka with you everywhere you go -- internally and externally. That ought to keep anyone from suspecting that you're a muslim terrorist.

I should point out the importance, in either case, of obtaining an expendable yet non-al-Qaeda sober driver in the event that you need to travel anywhere by car. But don't acquire a driver by jumping into a car or bus with a box cutter or you'll cancel out the beneficial effects of seeming obviously drunk and harmless.

If you have any questions, I'll be over there.