November 3rd, 2004

Allah Sulu-South Park

Better Luck Next Time

I am officially conceding the defeat of my Presidential candidacy.

It looks as though George W. Bush has won, although there's still the gauntlet of lawyers to get through. The Party Party has no lawyers (we do have some standards, after all!) so we cannot compete in this venue. We had planned an 11½th-hour rally, but made the mistake of getting drunk before the final push rather than vice versa.

I would like to thank my running mate Bradwinkle and my campaign advisors: DarkMattr, DuctTapeAvenger, and GWIII. We can at least claim a moral victory in that we didn't try to fix anything – including the vice presidential candidate, which cost us an endorsement from Bob Barker. That bastard.

Allah Sulu-South Park

Post-Election Analysis

It quickly became obvious that whoever got Ohio would become the next President. Obviously, Bush won and the rest of us came up short. My wife used to live in Ohio, before I brought her out here and married her. If I had left her there, that would have increased my voting pool in that most critical of states. But I would rather have her than the White House any day. As long as I have her, I consider myself a winner. So you can keep Ohio, George -- I already removed the best part. Best of luck, because you'll need it.

Collapse ) This most likely concludes my discussion of the Allah Sulu / Bradwinkle 2004 campaign.