October 3rd, 2006

Caffeine

Signs a Barista Is Losing It


  • Asks if you'd like a shot of nutmeg, then punches you in the crotch.

  • Charges $4.65 for a 20-ounce cup of regular coffee and then expects a tip!

  • Keeps asking everyone if they want fries with that.

  • When customers come in asking for something to "wake them up," she slaps them.

  • "Sure, you can have a latte. Pull my finger."

  • Offers you cream from her lactating breast. (nsfw)

  • The only foaming going on is from her bottom lip.

  • Today's muffin selection: Chocolate Chip, Cinnamon Crunch and That Upstairs Neighbor's Annoying Yorkie Swirl.

  • Threatens to triple-shot, double-foam your ass if you don't simplify your order.

  • Forgets to sneer with condescension when you get an order wrong.

  • "Another friggin' gigantor iced non-fat no-whip sugar-free caramel soy mocha crappuccino for the pretentious Armani-wearing Beemer-driving trophy wife standing just inches outside the reach of my murderous, strangling grasp. That'll be $4.65, ma'am."

  • Names each individual coffee bean and weeps inconsolably whenever anyone uses the grinder.

  • Keeps emptying the used espresso grounds into his underwear and moaning.

  • The caramel syrup on top of your mochaccino spells out "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy."

  • When he runs out of cup sleeves, he substitutes one of his socks.

  • You inquire about today's drip and he says, "I'm lookin' at him."

  • When you order hot chocolate, he calls Beyonce over.

  • He's taking hits right off the steamer.

  • Says she's not washing her hair until Starbucks releases a Tazo Chai shampoo.

  • Let's just say his technique for frothing the milk involves some mighty impressive sphincter control.

  • "Oooh, sorry. You failed to phrase your order in the form of a haiku. Try again tomorrow."

  • "Coffee? That'll be ten cents, please."

From TopFive.com

Boog

(no subject)

Since I don't watch TV to begin with, and haven't spent much time online either for the last month while moving, I only found out about a movie called Open Season by seeing a trading card for one of the characters on a Kid Cuisine dinner box. The character is named Boog; one of the (many) nicknames I've picked up over the years, usually accompanied by a caricature of a face on a green cube () – see also my current icon.

I found this amusing not just because the character Boog is a big, hairy bear – which is totally different from me, of course – but also because the tagline on the card is "It's a nose thing!" Hmm… Big, hairy beer with a big nose… After I'm finished suing Paramount for stealing from Storvik's backstory for Enterprise plots and the premise behind the Borg Invasion ride at the Star Trek Experience in Vegas, maybe I need to hit Sony Pictures next.

(No, I'm not actually suing Paramount; but yes, I was surprised by the similarities.)