February 4th, 2010


Hopefully, They Just Want Ned Beatty.

Close Encounters of the Redneck Kind from Marc Bullard on Vimeo.

That's a clever idea, well executed, with a couple of extra jokes thrown in. (Ganked from puffdoggydaddy.) Just for reference, this is Dueling Banjos from Deliverance, and this is the alien communication scene from Close Encounters of the Third Kind (with the original dialog and John Williams music) – the two things mashed up above. I couldn't find it on YouTube, but if you've seen Independence Day, they made a homage to the Close Encounters communication scene when they sent up the "welcome wagon" to communicate with the aliens using sequences of light. The aliens blasted "welcome wagon" out of the sky. Of course, since the ID4 aliens did do anal probes (of Randy Quaid, at least), perhaps they would have responded better to Dueling Banjos…


No Venti Mocha Nipples?

I found this yesterday while searching for the title to my car. (You can click on the picture to get to NippleGauge.com, but it may be NSFW.) It's a plastic card, the size of a credit card (so it fits in your wallet) and it also has a hole on the top so you can wear it around your neck on a lanyard. Its purpose, according to the website, is to get women to reveal their breasts to you so that you can measure their nipples. (The site also sells "I got gauged" nipple stickers for you to provide once the measuring has been performed.) Ummm. OK, while I have no problem with this in theory (consenting adults can do whatever the heck consenting adults want to do), the simple fact of the matter is – I have no idea where the heck I got this from. Did one of you guys give it to me at some point? Maybe at the last RockyCon in Cincinnati? I'm pretty sure I've never actually used it (yet) for its designed purpose, because I'm pretty sure I would remember that. I'm just wondering where it's from.


Seriously, Get The Hell Off Of My Lawn

Someone on my friends list (who shall remain nameless since this wasn't in a public post) thought that the above video was disturbing and "squicky" because the (twenty-year-old) Taylor Swift looked like jailbait dancing and singing with the much older guys of Def Leppard. I can understand what they're saying, but it doesn't really strike me that way (I was more concerned with what her voice was doing to the song – she wasn't bad, mind you, but I prefer the original)… especially since I've just seen a much more blatant example of "squickiness" elsewhere: Miley Cyrus' nine-year-old sister is launching a lingerie line for kids. WTF‽

(no subject)

ABC News — …In 1988, a 15-year-old girl living in the small southern African nation of Lesotho came to local doctors with all the symptoms of a woman in labor. But the doctors were quickly puzzled because, upon examination, she didn't have a vagina. "Inspection of the vulva showed no vagina, only a shallow skin dimple," so doctors delivered a healthy baby boy via Caesarean, the authors wrote in a case report published in the British Journal of Obstetrics and Gynaecology. … by looking at her records the hospital staff realized the young woman was in the hospital 278 days earlier with a knife wound to her stomach. The average pregnancy lasts 280 days. After interviews, they gathered that "Just before she was stabbed in the abdomen she had practiced fellatio with her new boyfriend and was caught in the act by her former lover. The fight with knives ensued." The girl arrived at the hospital with an empty stomach – and therefore with little stomach acid around – and doctors found two holes from a stab wound that opened her stomach up to her abdominal cavity. … "A plausible explanation for this pregnancy is that spermatozoa gained access to the reproductive organs via the injured gastrointestinal tract," the authors wrote. Infertility experts note the story, which resurfaced on a Discovery magazine blog, is not only a testament to Murphy's Law but one to arguably nature's most impressive swimmers: sperm. …

Wow. Just … wow. (The rest of the article goes on for some time about the qualities of "nature's most impressive swimmers.") It reminds me of this famous urban legend.


Language Lesson

FOX News — A high-ranking Pakistani diplomat reportedly cannot be appointed ambassador to Saudi Arabia because in Arabic his name translates into a phrase more appropriate for a porn star, referring to the size of male genitals, Foreign Policy reported. The Arabic translation of Akbar Zeb to "biggest dick" has overwhelmed Saudi officials who have refused to allow his post there.

Does his name make those Saudi officials feel … "insecure"? (And was the double entendre "refused to allow his post there" deliberate?)

Zeb has run into this problem before when Pakistan tried to appoint him as ambassador to the United Arab Emirates and Bahrain, where he was rejected for the same reason, according to Foreign Policy.

Can't he just, you know, change his name? For the sake of his career? Or is he too attached to it because he's compensating for something? I have no idea. But I do know this: When it comes time for me to market Allah Sulu's Massive Tool in the Middle East, I know what to call it – Allah Sulu's Akbar Zeb.