— An arrest warrant has been issued for Star Trek actor William Shatner, who is reported to have stolen the space shuttle Enterprise.
It is believed that Shatner carried out the audacious theft with a group of friends after claiming they just wanted to “look the old bird over” before she was broken up.
NASA are reported to be incredulous about the crime, as the Enterprise was retired from service in 2012. A spokesperson said, “We just don’t understand how they got her going. She’s a relic on a one-way trip to the scrap heap.”
“Quite simply, the engines cannae take it.”
“The only way they could get that old tub going again would be to steal parts from a nuclear vessel, and who has the ability to do that?”
Shatner and his crew – reported to comprise Nichelle Nichols, George Takei and Walter Koenig – are understood to believe that Leonard Nimoy will have been reborn on a new, Edenic alien world as suggested in a 1984 documentary.
When asked their course, shortly before passing out of radio range, Shatner is reported to have replied “Second star on the left, and straight on ’til morning.”